


The Galiski Space Donut

by 203_508



Series: Class Project [9]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: 4th Dimension, Dark Humor, Donuts, Gen, Television series, stupid humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26507485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/203_508/pseuds/203_508
Summary: “I saw the ingredients advertised on TV last night and it looked good. The ad said it was ‘to die for.’”
Series: Class Project [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1926754
Kudos: 1





	The Galiski Space Donut

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for a college course but I had a lot of fun making it. I hope it’s worth a few laughs.

Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy, and Mr. Spock are on their way to the galley for their mid shift snack. This tradition has been a part of what made the three of them so close. They used the time to express their grievances and brainstorm solutions to problems. Today, however, was different. Kirk had been talking about the snack as soon as they started their shift on the bridge. Now he was leading the charge toward the galley. 

“I hope the replicator isn’t malfunctioning today,” Kirk said. 

One of the secrets on the ship was that the chef, who is honestly just an over glorified microwave repair man, will purposely cause the gourmet food replicator to malfunction whenever he didn’t feel like cleaning it. On those days the crew of the Enterprise would resort to either using the general replicators scattered around the ship, which made all food taste like jet fuel, or eating one of the two hundred emergency Hot Pockets that they were required to keep in their rooms. 

“Jim,” said McCoy. “What’s the hurry? You’re never this excited for the mid shift snack.” 

“I agree,” said Spock. “You are acting quite illogically.”

“Guys,” said Kirk. “You’re not going to believe what I saw on intergalactic cable TV last night.”

“What?” chortled McCoy, “Star Wars again? No! Wait! I know! It was Space Ice Road Truckers.”

“No!” said Kirk. “I mean…yeah I was watching it, but that’s not the show I’m talking about. It was the little shows that interrupt the main story every 5 minutes.”

“You mean an advertisement?” said Spock.

“Yeah! That’s it,” said Kirk.

By this time the three Star Fleet officers passed the galley doors. Kirk ran right up to the gourmet food replicator and pushed the guy using it out of the way. He then reached into his sock and pulled out a 3x5 note card and his reading glasses. 

“Damn Starfleet fashion experts and their ‘pockets make the hips look bulky’ ideology,” said McCoy. 

Kirk gave a little smirk in acknowledgment to McCoy’s comment. Kirk has been in the sick bay over 3 times in the last year alone due to having Athlete’s foot on his eyes, yet he still refuses to either hold his glasses or wear them. Kirk quickly read the ingredients on the note card aloud to the replicator. 

“10 moles of Carbon 13. 200 moles of Plutonium 239.”

Spock, who was playing chess in his mind, was now paying full attention to Kirk.

“5 pounds of horse hair. 3 salt mines of salt. 4 gallons of chlorine.”

“Jim!” yelled McCoy. “What are you doing?”

“Intriguing,” thought Spock. “What kind of commercial was that? What kind of space TV network would allow that on the airways? This is all highly illogical.” 

“20 pounds of space flour, and 1 cup of Galiski sugar,” said Kirk as he licked his lips. 

The replicator gave out a “DING!” in acknowledgment to the order and began humming. 2 seconds later a plain looking pastry was sitting on Kirk’s tray. 

“Damn. I forgot the sprinkles.”

“Jim,” said McCoy, “Do you know what you just made?” 

“A donut?” said Kirk.

“Not just any donut,” responded McCoy. “You made a Galiski Space Donut. The most coveted donut in the galaxy.”

“That’s why I made it,” said Kirk mocking tone. “I saw the ingredients advertised on TV last night and it looked good. The ad said it was ‘to die for’.”

“They mean that literally,” said McCoy. “Entire species of intelligent life have gone extinct over this donut.”

“Why?” said Kirk. “Anybody with a replicator can make this donut. Why would something that can be made so easily and abundantly end a civilization?” Kirk took a bite of the donut. Dr. McCoy had a look of both disgust and annoyance on his face.

“There is only one Galiski Space Donut in existence at any given time,” said Spock. It is used as a tracker for 4th dimensional life forms looking for large amounts of Plutonium 239, salt, and horses.”

“I thought some of those ingredients were a little odd,” said Kirk as he ate the last bite of the donut. “So what happens now?”

“Well,” said McCoy. “Since you ate THE ENTIRE DONUT already, there’s no chance of returning it. That means we sit here and wait for the 4th dimensional coal miners to come steal our horses.”

“Salt miners,” said Spock.

“Whatever!” replied McCoy. “It won’t matter anyway since we won’t be able to see them. They could be here right now and we would have no idea.”

“Not exactly Doctor,” responded Spock. “4th dimensional creatures are made of energy. We can’t see them as we would matter, but we can observe their influence on the matter around them. Not unlike early 21st century studies on black holes.”

“I say we fight them!” said Kirk excitedly. 

“What? Are you mad?” asked McCoy. “Spock just said they’re not even made of matter. What are we supposed to fight them with?”

“I don’t know,” said Kirk. “I’m just itching for some action. We’ve been out in space for over 20 days without so much as a…” 

Suddenly captain Kirk and 3 enlisted crew members near him vanished, leaving behind nothing but the smell of bacon. Spock pulled out his tricorder and scanned the area where the captain had just been standing. 

“I’m not picking up any radioactivity, trace energy, or life.”

“You know what?” said McCoy. “I think we should let him figure this out on his own. He always has a way of coming out of a bad situation unharmed. Plus, 3 red shirts vanished with him as well. We all know if anything happens it’ll happen to them first.”

“Doctor,” said Spock. “This is a very unorthodox way of handling the disappearance of our captain. We have to try and do something.”

“What can we do?” asked McCoy. “You said it yourself. 4th dimensional creatures are made of pure energy. We have no weapons that can fight them and we have no clues as to where he was taken. I’m not happy to abandon my friend, but I truly think the best thing to do is nothing.”

“Hmmm...” said hummed Spock in deep thought.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Captains log, star date 9219.8. Me and 3 crewmates have vanished from the Enterprise and seem to be stuck in some sort of early 21st century electronics store. The store seems like a completely normal retail store on Earth except none of the televisions are on, there is nobody else in the store, and there are no windows to be found. My crewmates and I are currently looking for clues.” Kirk ended his recording and scanned his immediate area with an inquisitive look. Two of the redshirts had moved together toward the giant row of black televisions near the back of the store.

“I’m not picking anything up on the scanner” said one of the 2 Redshirts. “Just looks like a normal television screen to me.” 

“Aright,” said Redshirt 2. “Let’s get back to the captain and…”

All of a sudden all of the televisions turned on. Both of the Redshirts jumped and looked at the nearest screen. 

“It’s so beautiful” said Redshirt 1 in a trance-like speech pattern. 

“I need to get closer,” mumbled Redshirt 2 while walking toward the screen with his hands out in front of him. 

Both Redshirts walked right up and put both of their eyes right on the screen. They stood there for a moment with giant grins on their face. All of a sudden they both fell on to their backs. At this time Kirk and Redshirt 3 came to see what happened. 

“You,” said Kirk to Redshirt 3. “Go see if they’re alright.”

Redshirt 3 nodded his head and went over to his friends. When he got close enough to see their faces, he instantly felt nauseous. Both of the men had their eyes melted and vitreous humor was gushing down their faces. While this was horrifying, it wasn’t the first time redshirt 3 had seen his fellow red shirted brethren succumb to a gruesome death. It was the bold red letters on white background that flashed on the screen in front of the men that made him ill. They read “YOU ARE NEXT.”

“Captain! Both men are dead.”

“Awesome!” responded captain Kirk enthusiastically. “I wish I was there to see it.”

Kirk then proceeded to put a movie into a DVD player and lay himself down onto a bean bag chair. He had a large popcorn in one hand and a soda in the other.

“Come check this out. I found Rambo 2. It’s the one where he blows up a bunch of dudes with a bow and arrow.”

Redshirt 3 couldn’t believe what he heard, yet he wasn’t surprised. He knew the captain thought of Redshirts as disposable, but he just couldn’t convince himself that he was in this situation. Last year they had lost over 200 Redshirts. They had to stop by earth 5 times to get more.

“I’m sick of this!” said Redshirt 3. He pulled out his phaser, set it to maximum power, and aimed it at Kirk. “For too long we’ve had to put up with your uncaring. For too long we’ve gone on whatever suicide mission you put us up to. Not anymore. Today will be a day for all Redshirts to celebrate. The day captain Kirk dies.”

Redshirt 3 pulled the trigger of the phaser. The blast hit an invisible object in front of Kirk, who was watching the gory late 20th century action movie. The invisible object, phaser beam, and Redshirt 3 became iridescent. Suddenly Redshirt 3 completely disappeared, leaving behind only his boots.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just as suddenly as he disappeared, captain Kirk reappeared in the mess hall of the Enterprise next to Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy. 

“Aw no fair!” cried Kirk. “I didn’t get to see the part where he seals up his cut with a bullet. Wait. Never mind. That’s First Blood.” 

Kirk is still in the position he was in while he was watching the movie, leaned back with popcorn in one hand and soda in the other. There was also a pair of boots and two dead redshirts next to him.

“What happened here?” exclaimed Dr. McCoy as he rushed over to the bodies.

“Just another day at the office,” answered Kirk as he stood up. He brushed popcorn off of his shirt and took a swig of Mtn. Dew.

“They’re both dead,” said McCoy flatly. 

“Yeah. They don’t tend to last long,” said Kirk. 

“Captain,” said Spock. “Can you describe what you saw?”

“We were stuck in what resembled a 21st century electronics shop. Lots of televisions everywhere and all of the best movies ever made. It also had functioning popcorn machine and there were a bunch of fridges with the best drinks you could think of. Also 3 Redshirts died. It was pretty awesome.”

“Fascinating,” said Spock. “It seems that you were sent to what you would call paradise. This could explain why the Galiski Space Donut is so valuable. It gives whoever consumes it the ability to experience what they desire most.”

“I thought the Galiski Space Donut was a tracker for 4th dimensional creatures to come steal our horses?”

“It is true that the Galiski Space Donut is a tracker for 4th dimensional creatures,” said Spock. “Whether it is used for 4th dimensional creatures to travel to our dimension is a hypothesis proposed by Star Fleet scientists. This is currently the only experience Star Fleet has had with the Galiski Space Donut.”

“Because nobody is dumb enough to make it,” replied McCoy.

Kirk ignored McCoy. “Why did I come back here then?” 

“It’s possible the effects only last as long as the donut is undigested.” answered Spock. “The chemical reactions involved with digestion most likely counteract the 4th dimensional energy that takes whoever consumed the donut to their paradise.

“The science checks out” said McCoy sarcastically.

“As much as I would like to say so,” said Spock, “science cannot explain everything. There are many phenomenon in this seemingly infinite universe that are beyond the scope of current scientific understanding.”

“Well said,” said Kirk as he walked out the mess hall and toward the onboard movie theatre, popcorn and drink still in hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos are the best gifts


End file.
